This is just another part of the whole Blogging A to Z series where I pick a letter and just write.
Growing up I used to boast that I was going to marry the singer Tiffany, that I was going to have two sets of twins and name them Tiffany, Tonya, Butch and Pablo, and that if I ever got a dog I would name it “Dog”.
Not surprisingly, I didn’t marry Tiffany. And the woman I did marry would absolutely not allow me to name my twin boys Butch and Pablo. Fortunately, I was able to name my first dog, Dog.
That’s not Dog, but it’s not too far off either
Leg-lift Pee
From my understanding, male dogs lift their legs to pee while females tend to squat. My Dog was a leg-lifter and marked her territory more than any male dog I’ve seen before or since. A typical 20-minute walk would easily result in 20+ neighborhood markings. She was queen bitch and wanted every dog in a mile radius to know it.
Power Hump
Then there was the power hump. The act of one dog humping another in and of itself isn’t odd; apparently it’s an alpha thing and show of dominance (though I still found it weird that my 40-pound female would mount a unsuspecting 110-pound male Golden Retriever and have her way with him.) Yet every so often she’d mount, hold on for dear life and, well, go to town like a virgin on prom night. Her back would arch, she’d gain speed and some power, yet upon walking away – she couldn’t stop. She was like a wind-up toy having a pelvic seizure.
He Scores!
One of the first ‘tricks’ I tried to teach ol’ Dog was that when she heard Blackhawks announcer Pat Foley yell “He scores!” she’d bark, thus alerting me of the achievement. I never could get it work and thought that maybe you simply couldn’t teach an old dog new tricks. Until one say I’m watching a pre-season game and Eric Daze put one in net. I got a bit excited and said (to one on in particular), “He scores!”.
A few seconds later there’s Dog standing in front of me with a little bark. I was so proud that I think I gave the whole box of treats. Thus started a tradition. Forget the command “Speak!”. My dog responded to “He scores!”
Name Change
With the above as examples of my Dog’s weirdness – along with the fact that we thought she was a lesbian, liked to take running pokes at our other dog, patrolled our backyard with reckless abandon, killed bunnies with minimal effort, and preferred rice cakes over steak – my wife figured that “Dog” wasn’t an appropriate name. Yet at that point a total name-change would’ve confused her so we went with “Dogzilla”.
It was a far cry from “Lady” (her original name before going to the Humane Society) but truly appropriate. As I said, she was awesome, though certainly no “Lady”.
I had that dog for about six years but like so many others, old age caught up to her. She was limping towards the end and my wife thinks she might’ve had a doggy-stroke.
I can’t tell you if all dogs do, in fact, go to heaven but if so, I have little doubt that Dog is happily patrolling God’s backyard, sleeping on His couch, and humping Ol’ Yeller mercilessly.
Up next: E.
First of all, I don’t want to know if dogs don’t go to heaven because I’m counting on all my past pets to be there waiting for me there (assuming I can get in, of course). Dogzilla sounds like a compilation of my two dogs. Blanca is spayed but that doesn’t stop her from asserting her, ahem, dominance over me. My leg gets it especially good after I am done petting the other dog. I spend a lot of time pushing Blanca aside, saying, Knock that off, weirdo!” Blanca also feels the need to dribble pee (from a half-squat/half-leg lift position) about every ten feet of our walk through the neighborhood. Zoe, on the other hand, has worn a path around the perimeter of our fence patrolling her domain keeping us safe from other dogs, other people, bunnies, squirrels, birds, leaves, snowflakes, and the wind. Bit in the end, I like my pets to have some personality — otherwise what else would we have to write about? Love this post!
“I hate squirrels!”