An Ugly 9-Holes

Disclaimer: The following is about golf.

If I’ve learned anything from regaling tales from the golf course, is that it’s similar to showing off pictures of your cat: few people care and even fewer can feign interest (and no, your cat’s not different). If you find yourself in that latter group, that’s ok. My ego can handle it.

Though if you are going to take anything from the following, make it be this: on April 30th, I played a quick 9-holes of golf and followed that up with relaxing soak in a 79° pool. In a past life, that could never have happened. In Arizona, it should’ve happened a few weeks sooner.

Over the past four months, I’ve spent many hours hitting many balls at the local driving range. Honing in on club distances and playing virtual rounds on some of the world’s best courses amped up my confidence like never before. I was hitting really well right up until I realized I wasn’t.

Those soft, green — and as it turns out very forgiving — mats found at most driving ranges are total crap and a complete detriment to your game. Top Golf might be great for company outings or a first date; not so much for practicing anything not off a tee.

A bucket of balls on regular grass resulted in the chunking and blading of 80% of all shots. In my lifetime, I have never once thought of quitting golf for good. Until that day. In a few short months my shots went from being self-described as big improvements to liquid shit.

It took an additional month, hitting hundreds of balls and even scheduling golf lessons with a pro to get back to pre-driving range form.

Was it crazy to golf on the first 100° day of the year? Meh. Maybe. Though less people watching and judging my every chunk, slice and wayward drive is never a bad thing. Besides, the weather doesn’t crack golfer’s Top 10 list of things to be concerned with on Day 1.

While there’s little need for a shot-by-shot rundown of how the scorecard finished with a 45 for 9-holes, here’s a sample from hole one: a 384-yard, slight dogleg right, with a small right side bunker guarding a small green.

• Frist drive of the new season: landed in the God/Allah/Buddha/Elvis damn sand trap along the right side of the fairway.
• Chunked the ball about 20 yards out of the aforementioned sand.
• Still about a 100-yards out, a decent high-arching 9-iron shot dropped just in front of the green.
• A 6-iron punch set the ball about 5-feet from the hole.
• One putt for a bogey five.

Not a made-for-tv way to get a bogey but being a bogey golfer, that’s (figuratively) par for the course. And much of the round went the same: average-to-crappy shots often saved by one-putt or a hole-saving approach.

There’s certainly some work to do and fortunately, it’s only May.