You Named Your Kid What?

Note: Awhile ago, I read a blog by Moment Matters titled “Pitiful Names: Why would a parent name their child Placenta?. It mentions other names as well like Suozzi, Ivo, and Casper. In a serious way, it questions why parents would label their kids in such a manner and how there could be long term, often negative, affects. Me? I find it all a big source of amusement.

What people name their children has been a near obsession of mine for quite some time. Year after year I see the Top 25 Baby Names for both boys and girls and wonder what kind of future we can expect as a society knowing that a) these parents are still breeding and b) the potential backlash 15 years from now when a kid named “LOL” beats both his (or her) parents into a long-lasting coma.

Back in kollidge (it wasn’t a very prestigious school) I created a list of “Things I Can’t Respect” as part of a weekly bit I did on my radio show. The list originally started out being a list of cutesy, uppity, names that the latter part of Generation X thought was a good idea (it’s eventually evolved to include a lot more than just names). Being a member of that generation, let me start off by apologizing to the rest of the world.

The first line of that list simply stated: “I cannot respect men named Stacy, Tracy, Leslie and Adrian.”

Looking back (see partial list below), it’s somewhat lame by today’s comparison as unisex names and misspelled variations have become more prevalent. At last check, most kids are born either a boy or a girl. So don’t introduce me to little Payton unless it’s prefaced with “Mr.” or “Ms.”. And if your daughter is named Kylee or Kyleigh or Kiley, I’m not so sure we can be friends.

On a recent visit to the park, I was introduced to three kids named Taylor, Brayden, and Cole. Care to guess the age and marital status of the mothers? (Hint: on Twitter I used the hashtag #nameThatTeen.)

Yes this is funny, but somewhat sad at the same time. Did you know that a couple, from Australia I believe, named their offspring “4Real”?

Names are our first identifiers; our first introduction to the world. Studies have confirmed that a strong name increases the odds of a good life as opposed to so-called ‘weaker’ ones. I think the late George Carlin summed up this idea well when he said: “I’ll bet you ten times out of ten, Nicky, Vinnie, and Tony would beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle, and Tucker.”

None of us named ourselves. It was a moniker bestowed upon us by the two people who, by default, love us more than anyone ever will. So why then are there humans named Piper, Seven, Bailey, Blue Ivy, and Landon walking among the crowds?

From the Home Office in Macomb, Illinois – The Top Names I Cannot Respect:

• Men named Stacy, Tracy, Leslie or Adrian.
• Men named Bron, Parker, Payton, Conner and Skip
• Any man named Taylor, Tyler, Casey and Cade.
• Aiden, Brayden, Cayden, and Hayden
• Liam, Logan, Larid and Cole
• Men named Jackson, Caleb, Dyan, and Cameron
• Men named Hunter, Jordan, Tristan, and Blake.
• Grayson, Logan, Bryson, and Bryce
• Those with the names Carter, Mason, Liam, and Beau
• Men named Brooklyn, Levi, Meredith and Riley
• Men named Sawyer and Tripp
• Men named Brady, Dakota, Morgan and Paxton
• Any man named Skyler or Gaylord
• Keegan, Cody, Camille, and Carroll
• Men named Dana, Miles, Colten, and Brock
• A boy named Sue
• And yes… Suozzi, Ivo, and Casper

Feel free to add your list of names here… And yes, I know I probably offended more than a few of you.