For me, this past Mother’s Day was spent in Wisconsin Dells at the Kalahari Resort. We were there celebrating the twins’ birthday and, of course, Mother’s Day.
Yet a couple of times throughout the day, but more so at night before falling asleep and being alone with my thoughts, I sort caught myself having a conversation with my own mother. Well, maybe not a conversation but more of a long winded, one-way, dialog between myself and a woman I never knew.
You see, my mother died when I was two years old and the only memories I have of her are ones created in my own mind. Oh sure, I’ve seen pictures and heard stories from those who knew my mother well, but it’s not the same. Hearing that “your mother loved you very much” is not the same as hearing “I love you very much.”
So there I was talking to her and explaining my life in general; essentially looking for approval I guess. I told her of the Twins’ exploits; of their likes and dislikes. I asked if she’d be proud of me and if she approved of the choices I’ve made. I thanked her for, well, everything even though she wasn’t able to be around for much of anything.
“What do you think of my wife?”, I asked. “Do you think you two would’ve gotten a long?”
“Obviously, my life can be pretty chaotic but aren’t the twins just awesome? I know you would’ve loved them and they would’ve loved you. Though it saddens me that you never got to meet them. Although in reality, it saddens me even more that I never really got to meet you.”
“I cried over you once and I’ll never forget it. ‘Your mom…’ jokes were pretty big at the time and a friend of a friend was constantly saying to me ‘Your mom (this)…’ and ‘Your mom (that)…’. It didn’t bother me at the time, but that night it really hit me and I cried. I think it was the first time I truly missed you and have been doing so ever since.”
“Did you know I went to college? Graduated with honors? Have a Master of Arts degree? I didn’t have any sort graduation parties to speak of, I sometime imagine that I did and you were there.”
“Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse, mom: if I had known you and then lost you or simply not ever have known you at all.”
The ramblings go on, but the theme is the same. When I think about and talk to my mom, the focus always seems to be You missed so much of my life. Here’s what I’ve done. What do you think?.
None of us truly know what waits for us on the other side. We think we know and we imagine what it might be like. We take it upon faith it’ll be eternal and everlasting with a joyous reunion with family members who have gone before us.
Me? I don’t know what to expect, but if there is an afterlife and my mom’s waiting for me, she better pull up a chair because she and I have a lot of catching up to do – and I’ve already got a pretty good head start on what I want to say.
Lovely message Mike! I enjoyed the read. I’ve spent 3 of the past 5 evenings volunteering with my charities here in London (while that may make me sound like a saint I assure you it’s just been a busy week). Friday evening I had the opportunity to visit centerpoint, an organization that helps homeless youths from ages of 16-25 to get on a path to their own independence from providing temporary housing, counseling and education. I was able to speak with one of the residents and many of them come either directly from social services or abusive homes. No matter the problems on my plate those experiences are truly humbling and make you realize even more how lucky we are. I know I hit the lottery genepool jackpot to have both my parents in my life not just growing up but still today so can only imagine how tough it is for others like yourself who haven’t had the same luxury; but regardless, we have so much to be thankful for in life like you had with your grandparents to have always had someone to love us and provide a roof over our head.
All the best, Rod’s daughter and your cousin Erika
Thank you Erika.
And you’re right. There are certainly a lot of others out there who are struggling in ways I can’t even imagine. Good for you for volunteering!
I met your Mother once on a trip out west so I did not know her well as a person but rather as my far away sister in law. Beautiful woman she was as well as a loving mother. My brother and I lost a father at ages 4 and 2 months so I can relate to the void created when life deprives us of a full and complete childhood. My brother also dealt with the loss of your mom and he did not handle it well.
Where does the inner strength come from to overcome such losses and achieve success in life? Great question huh? My guess is to consider those losses like other happenings in life. Take Abraham Lincoln for instance. He had 17 major events in his life that can be called losses or failures, e.g., loss of a child, a sweetheart, multiple election losses and so on. He had 3 wins: State Legislator, Congress and Presidency. With a 3 and 14 record he would have been out of baseball in no time. Lincoln dealt with adversity all his life.
My point in all this is not original with me, but I think it applies. Failures make for stronger people. How one deals with adversity determines success. My long time personal philosophy covers this. Your ability to succeed is largely determined by your ability to deal with failure and the level of your rebound to your next success is directly proportional to depth of your failure or loss.
That being said (my cliche of the day), it is obvious that you are a winner as a husband, father and provider for your family. Quite possibly you are a better person than you might have become had life not been so cruel. Ever consider that possibility? I have known many people who grew up with both parents and are lousy human beings. You are on a different challenge level than Lincoln to be sure but the principle is the same. YOU have inner strength and you EARNED it.
Enjoy your life … with luck and hard work, the best is yet to come!
Thanks Rod, that certainly means a lot. Yeah – I’ve thought about how things could’ve been different had I not been raised by grandparents. And while there’s no way to ever tell how I would’ve turned out otherwise, I’m certainly grateful for all they did for me and how I turned out.
Yes, and your father did not want to create ill will that would damage the children and he felt it best that the kids should be together so he capitulated to avoid a legal battle over custody. In retrospect, it looks like maybe Bob did the right thing after all. Isn’t it amazing how time has a way of clearing up matters?
Lovely, touching post.
Whoops, the comment above was mine. My name didn’t show for some reason.
Gracias. Certainly a 180 degree turn from the bikini blog last week, but it’s nice to get stuff like this out every now and again.